Relationship Mini-Stretches: Removing Absolutes
How are absolute terms hurting my relationship?
Absolute words like “always” and “never” are a great way to absolutely derail any conversation. Let’s say you want to have a talk with your partner about the mental load. So you say “you never take the cat to the vet”. That lead in to the conversation is going to cause a lot of defensiveness. Your partner might even become completely distracted from your main point and start listing the times they did take the cat to the vet. But that’s not the point. So now you’re having a whole different argument that you weren’t interested in having.
Quick word experiment
One way I like to have people try to use absolutes less is by just having them notice the words as they use them. Whenever you hear yourself say something in absolute terms, simply notice it. Either write it down or keep it in your memory for reflection later.
When you have a chance to think about it, ask yourself whether that was the actual message you wanted to get across. If not, you could probably use some of the reframing tips below to help in the future.
How do we stop this cycle more permanently?
After you try the quicker experiment above, you can try for more permanent language shifts. One easy way to fix this pattern is to name the actual, observable truth and what you’d like to see happen. In this example, the truth is probably closer to something like this: “I am usually the one to take the cat to the vet, and I’d like to figure out how to find more balance.” You are still naming the issue at hand but also providing a way forward for the discussion.
An even better way to handle any situation is to add on your feelings about it. “It seems to me like I’m taking on a lot of the cat’s care, and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Can we please figure out how to balance these responsibilities better?” This method will help diffuse defensiveness and actually create the framework around how you can tell if things are working (in this case, you’ll hopefully feel less overwhelmed).
Communication doesn’t have to be impossible. Sometimes mini-stretches like these can really make a huge difference!
