Relationship Stretches: How to Slow Down a Fight
Processing speed variations cause a LOT of fights
But they don’t have to! First, what do I mean by “processing speed”? Let’s start with an example. Picture yourself as a teenager. You were up all night studying (or playing video games). Your parent wakes you up and starts listing off all the chores you need to get done that day. You’re barely conscious and get a little defensive and, more likely than not, a bit rude. Now you’re arguing, and you’re not even sure how you got to that point, but damn if it doesn’t feel unfair that you’re being expected to catch up so quickly when you haven’t even brushed your teeth yet.
That was a processing speed difference. You weren’t able to keep up with everything being thrown at you, got overwhelmed, and responded to that overwhelm. It’s hard to regulate when you feel like you’re behind. That doesn’t only happen when one person in a conversation is tired or otherwise engaged. Sometimes two people just have a variation in their processing speeds. I’ve seen this happen a lot with mixed-neurotype relationships. One person tends to be an immediate (or “fast”) processor, and the other person is a deliberate (or “slow”) processor, and to complicate things further, those roles can switch depending on the topic (feelings vs weekend plans, for example). And, by far, the best solution for this problem is to slow things down. Here are some tips you can use to slow down your arguments.
Ask clarifying questions
One of the best ways to slow things down is by asking follow-up questions. If you begin feeling defensive and overwhelmed and don’t think you can give a good response back to what your partner has said, just ask for a little more information on what they mean. For the partner who is an immediate processor and likely being asked the question, try to make your answers briefer. That will help your more deliberate processor counterpart more likely to understand what you’re trying to say.
Repeat back what you think you heard
When things get heated, sometimes important topics get lost in translation. When you notice that you’re hearing only negative things, that’s the time to use this tool. Sometimes your partner will realize that they are not phrasing things very kindly, and this gives them a chance to switch up the wording a bit so everybody can be on the same page. Other times, you’ll say what you heard and realize that you’re interpreting what they’re saying in a less-than-generous way. Either way, this type of clarification can really help remove some of the bigger communication barriers during an argument.
Take a quick breather
Sometimes we are just in too deep to regulate ourselves or each other, and we need to take a pause. That’s where this quick break tip comes in. The break should be no more than about 30 minutes, and during the break, no seething. I mean it. No planning what you’re going to say. No thinking about the shitty things they said. Just take a break. Watch a silly youtube video. Play a few rounds of a mindless game on your phone. Walk around the block. Anything that lets your system know that you don’t have to be in that fight-or-flight mode that often happens when an argument gets overwhelming.
Have a slow down code word
I am a big fan of a well-implemented code word. HUGE. It can be such a useful tool when tempers are high, and nobody is listening. If you choose a silly word, it can even add a little levity. While you’re both in a good headspace, decide on the word and agree what it means for you. It could mean you implement one of the tools I’ve mentioned here. It could mean that it’s time to brainstorm a new tool you can both put into use. It could mean that you both agree this is a silly fight that needs to be put to rest until one or both of you is more centered.
Try again tomorrow
Go to bed angry? Seriously? YES. This is especially true if it’s late, and you’re both tired. I promise that whatever you’re going to say at 2am isn’t going to be as kind, thoughtful, or useful as you think it is. Sometimes you need to just come back to a disagreement when things have cooled down and everyone has had time to process things more clearly.
Slowing down allows both people to regulate their nervous systems better. It lets the immediate processor chill out a little while the deliberate processor gets through the information in a more nuanced and less defensive way. While it might be hard for an immediate processor to adjust to, in the long run slowing down leads to more complete conversations with better closure. And isn’t that the goal of any good, healthy argument in a relationship?
