What’s So Different About Mixed-Neurotype or Nuerodiverse Relationships?
Definition time! What’s a mixed-neurotype or neurodiverse relationship?
I do love a good definition time. We’ve talked about what a neurotype is before. It’s just how your brain works. Some folks are neurodivergent, which means that their brain works differently than neurotypicals. As I’ve noted previously, some people like to use it as code for autism and ADHD, but it really encompasses any brain difference, from autism to traumatic brain injury to depression to OCD. All of those examples, and everything in between, are different types of neurodivergence or different neurotypes. And if you’re neurotypical, that’s your neurotype.
Neurodiverse and mixed-neurotype both refer to any mix of different neurotypes, whether neurotypical or neurodivergent. This is the type of relationship work that I specialize in. Sometimes the couple is made up of an autistic person and an ADHDer, someone who identifies as neurotypical and an autistic person, or sometimes it might be an ADHDer and an AuDHDer, which is someone who is both autistic and an ADHDer. It’s a fascinating puzzle figuring out how to facilitate communication within and among so many different neurotypes, and I’ve put together a (non-exhaustive) list of ten things that might look a little different in a neurodiverse relationship.
Variations in processing speed and method.
Generally, people are either fast or slow processors and either internal or external thinkers. A fast processor might come up with ten solutions immediately for a problem while a slower, more deliberate processor might really need some time to chew over a problem before coming up with answers. Some folks let their rough draft thoughts come tumbling out, and others need to dig in deep within their own brains before ever sharing a final draft. None of these differences are good or bad. They’re just differences.
I’ve found that within mixed-neurotype relationships there are also mixed processing speeds and methods. One person often has to slow down a bit and wait before tackling an issue, and the other person has to speed up and talk before they’re 100% ready. The person who likes to word vomit every thought, (the rough draft partner noted above), might need to clarify to their final draft partner that these are just hypotheticals, and they’re not looking for a solution. These examples are what I like to call “stretching” to meet your partner. It should be a little uncomfy for everyone but not to the point of pain, just like stretching your body.
Love languages may need to be reconsidered.
I’m going to be real up-front with you for a second: love languages are problematic in general for anyone, not just a mixed-neurotype relationship. If you want to get into the ways in which they’re a problem, there are many people much more well-versed in that specific issue than I am who have done that work.
So I’m going to propose a different definition for what I mean when I refer to “love languages” with my clients: they are simply the ways that you can feel and understand your partner’s love and vice versa. A lot of people have proposed neurodivergent love languages, which can be a good jumping off point, but I honestly think there are an infinite number of things that can be love languages. Yes, they might include some combination of the traditional or neurodivergent love languages, like words of affirmation or info-dumping, but they might include things that are just true to you, like going on side quests together. The goal of a good love language is for the giver to feel loving and the receiver to feel that love.
Absolute words and phrases are out.
This one is tough for almost everyone, regardless of neurotype. It’s become so commonplace to use absolute language regularly. From “you never take the garbage out” to “you always take forever to get ready”, this type of language is really a conversation-stopper and an argument-starter. It’s pretty intense wording to use when you really think about it, and often it’s not actually true. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who has never taken the garbage out in their lives. And I know I’ve never met anyone who has taken forever to get ready. How could I have? They’d still be getting ready!
It gets even more difficult when you’ve got a neurotype that tends toward the literal. When words like “always” and “never” get tossed in nonchalantly, that can absolutely sideline the actual issue at hand and result in a conversation about language use. Nobody wants that. It goes nowhere fast, and it makes everyone more heated. An interesting experiment is seeing if you can remove those absolute words from your vocabulary, even for a day, especially when referring to yourself or your loved ones. See how it shifts your perspective. Check if it changes how you view things and whether you’d like to shift that language more permanently.
Scripting is in.
“Scripting”, as you might already have guessed, involves planning what you’re going to say before you say it. As an autistic person, it’s something I’ve done my whole life, so it’s like second nature to me. Discussing something difficult with a supervisor? I scripted that. Meeting a new potential client? I have a few scripts for that. And if you’re my client and receiving a weekly zoom link, you know I’ve got a script for that. But a lot of people apparently don’t do it, and it’s something I really recommend for any relationship.
This is particularly true of mixed-neurotype relationships. Having a script can slow down an argument before it gets heated. It can remind you of what to say when your partner has had a hard day and needs to feel your support. A script can be your framework for care when you’re not an “off the cuff” type of person with your emotions. While it seems like a script could feel cold, it actually often ends up with both partners feeling more heard and cared for in a deeper way, which alters the relationship for the better on a deeper level.
Behavior change request language may have to shift.
When you want your partner to change something in order to meet your needs better, you can make a behavior change request. It is one of the harder things to do though, and can be really difficult to get right, especially when your brains are on slightly different wavelengths. You might feel really put upon by simple requests if you identify as having PDA, (known as pathological demand avoidance or, my preferred acronym, persistent drive for autonomy). Or you might have some rejection sensitivity, and a change request might be taken as a type of rejection.
There are a few different ways you can shift the language around a behavioral change request that can make things go much more smoothly, however. Some folks might need a bit of warning before their system can accommodate hearing a change request. You might want to come up with a specific type of wording that doesn’t feel too demanding or like a rejection to your partner. You could even come up with a silly code word together that lightens the mood and makes everyone a little less defensive when you’ve got an ask.
Describing feelings could take a different form.
For some, describing their emotions can feel as easy as taking a breath. For others, however, feelings talk is like the worst kind of torture. And while some people can get better by just practicing, still others are simply alexithymic, that is to say their brains just don’t figure out their emotions as quickly, if at all. This can result in a lot of frustration for everyone involved.
The good news is that there are ways around that. You might learn to describe your physical sensations when discussing a topic, which will help your partner understand how you may be feeling. You could take a more creative approach and rely on simile and metaphor to get your meaning across. Or you might come up with different language altogether instead of feeling words to find something that feels right and true to you.
Scheduling preferred time together can be fun.
Between work and kids and friends and family and the world, it can be really hard to set aside meaningful time together. While spontaneous dates are great and romantic, they’re not always possible. And pushing yourselves into that dynamic can just lead to guilt and frustration if it doesn’t work out. When you add on top of that a partner with a neurotype that doesn’t really lend itself to spontaneity, like some autistic folks and even some ADHDers, expecting dates to just happen can end up being a complete mood-killer.
Instead, try scheduling your time together. It won’t always be a long, involved date that lasts for hours. It might only be 30 minutes where you cuddle together watching your favorite show. But it will be worth it because you’ve decided to be there and be present with one another. If you’ve got a partner who prefers scheduling and having a rhythm to daily life, setting aside time in this way will be a relief and often open them up to more activities, sometimes even spontaneous ones. Much like scripting, scheduled time might seem cold but can really be the start of better closeness and intimacy.
Touch might be way more nuanced.
Speaking of intimacy, touch can be a tricky subject when you’re part of a neurodiverse couple. One of you might enjoy deep pressure while your partner might be absolutely overwhelmed by that kind of touch and prefers softness. You might hate being touched when you’re overheated, and your partner could absolutely loathe being cold. All of these different sensory needs can interact in ways you might not be able to predict and could seem insurmountable.
When you approach touch from a more nuanced and exploratory perspective, however, you’ll see that handling sensory differences is a lot like handling any other kind of differences. The key is in the communication. When you’re open about your wants and needs, you will likely end up with a deeper understanding of one another on all levels. Intimacy can be strengthened at every point during your day, from a small kiss goodbye to a big, deep-pressure bear hug if your partner had a really difficult day. And when you take the time to communicate what kind of touch feels best and when, you’re more likely to get what you need.
Decompression time can be imperative.
Let me tell you a story about me as a baby therapist. I would work with clients for several hours, commute home for an hour, and then immediately snap as soon as my husband wanted to discuss something. It could be a disagreement we’d had. It could be what we wanted for dinner. It never ended well. After a couple of really weird weeks of that, I suddenly realized what I needed: decompression time. I had been wearing a mask all day while working, (and this was before I knew that I’m autistic), and I needed time to take it off.
Decompression time can be necessary for a wide variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s because of work. Sometimes it was a long day with the kids. But one of the most common reasons is that you’re in the midst of an argument that’s just getting more and more heated. While it can seem counterintuitive, taking time in those difficult moments to pause and take a break by yourself can really make a huge difference in being able to be present and mindful for yourself, your partner, and your family. That’s why my favorite hot take is this: go to bed angry. Whatever you have to say at 2am can wait for the actual morning time if it’s that imperative. Cool off and come back later.
Accommodations are good for everyone.
Ok this one is literally for everybody, neurotype be damned. Everybody needs some accommodations at some point. We just don’t call them that on a regular basis. But I think we should. I think we should shift our language to recognize that, as humans, we need and deserve the best love and communication that we can get. And sometimes that requires a little bit of accommodation from our partners.
So… are they really all that different?
Yes and no. We’re all just people at the end of the day. We need to feel loved and cared for by our significant others. And that love and care might look different based on our individual needs. Or even based on what day it is. The best thing you can do for your relationships, romantic or otherwise, is try your best to communicate openly and honestly. If you do that, you’re more than halfway toward a lifetime of fulfilling relationships.
